Lies in the Dark
by pommedeplume
Summary: (July 1997) Remus Lupin lies awake in the dark and remembers in pain his lover Sirius Black and suffers with guilt over his decision to marry Sirius's young cousin, Nymphadora Tonks.


Remus listened to the sounds of his wife sleeping next to him, her breathing faint and distant. It was a foreign sound to his ears. It was nothing like the way Sirius breathed in his sleep. For one thing, Sirius snored, loudly at time. In the short time, they'd been together he had never observed Tonks snoring.

Remus looked over at Tonks. He could only see her hair which was currently its natural mousy brown and barely visible in the dark of their room. How had this happened? How had he married Sirius's baby cousin? She was thirteen years younger than him. He could remember holding her as a baby.

And yet he felt affection for her. No, it wasn't the affection she desired and it sure as hell wasn't the affection he had had for Sirius. But was something. Possibly, enough to keep her happy. At the very least, she hadn't show any interest in sex yet, which was a relief to him. He couldn't bear the thought of her getting pregnant with child. What if he passed on his condition? Remus shuddered at the thought. No, thankfully, their honeymoon had been brief and uneventful as had been their wedding.

Remus wondered what Sirius would think. He couldn't imagine he would ever approve of their union. Remus wasn't sure he would blame him. He had tried to protest against Tonks's affections. He wondered why he had given in? How had he given in when his every waking thought was of Sirius? How could he betray him like this?

Tears filled Remus's eyes as he stared up at the ceiling and he mouthed the word, "Padfoot," but no sound was released. He wasn't sure if Tonks knew about him and Sirius. Everyone else in the Order knew, why not her? Well, if she had known about his romance with her cousin, the love of his miserable life, Sirius Black, then she had said nothing and it had not stifled her desire for him at all.

Tonks rolled over and he glanced at her. Still sleeping, he thought. She was pretty, he supposed. He had never been very interested in girls, though Tonks did not always think of herself a girl. He shared a snog with Lily once very long ago. He didn't mind but he was just as glad that things didn't go any further than that.

In the back of Remus's mind he could hear Sirius in a conversation he would never have with him:

"My cousin! You married my cousin! How could you do this to me? She's practically a child and she's my cousin!"

She's not a child, Remus thought as he looked at her. She was young but she was not a child. He was guilty of nothing but possibly leading Tonks on, letting her believe…

No, strictly speaking, he owed Sirius nothing. But if he owed him nothing then why did this hurt so much? Why did he dream about him every night? He had only just gotten him back before fucking Bellatrix Lestrange took him away from him again.

Remus closed his eyes and clenched his fist as tears streamed down his face. Merlin, he hoped Tonks didn't wake up and see him like this. If she did he would lie and say he was having nightmares about his lunar transformations again.

Remus desperately tried to push the image of Sirius's final moments out of his mind. He tried to remember better days, though they had had precious few. He thought of Hogwarts when they were younger the days before the first war had begun and he had friends who accepted him. He thought of the first time he and Sirius kissed and the the first time… they made love.

Remus opened his eyes. It wasn't helping. There was still an unbearable painful feeling of a weight crushing his chest that wouldn't go away and an emptiness inside of him that nothing could fill. He looked over at Tonks. She looked so peaceful. He envied her. She was happy while he was tormented inside.

Perhaps, Sirius would not approve of their union but maybe, at least, he could stay with her and protect her in honor of Sirius's memory. A bitter irony that no one but him would ever understand. Oh, if only Dumbledore were still alive then he would have someone he could possibly confide in, he thought. But alas, Remus had no one anymore.

He felt old, though he wasn't truly. But being a werewolf for so long had taken a strong toll on him. All his friends were gone along with his lover, this time forever. No matter what he felt, Tonks was all he had. If he couldn't be happy then maybe he could at least feel normal. Maybe that would be enough for him to get through this war.

After the war was over maybe Remus could sit Tonks down and tell her the truth. Maybe, he could find the strength. But for now all the strength he had must be used to get him through the war, no matter how long that might be.

Tonks's nose twitched and he could tell she was waking up. Remus reached over and caressed her face, lightly. It was a forced move but one he needed to make. He wanted her to be happy.

"What's the matter, Remus?" Tonks asked, sounding groggy.

"Nothing," he lied. "Go back to sleep. Everything is fine."


End file.
